


Help me stop drowning

by Eidothea



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/M, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e04, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2020-12-24 09:17:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21097088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eidothea/pseuds/Eidothea
Summary: Buck situation after learning from Bobby that he won't be coming back to 118.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi so it's my first work. I kinda have this idea for a little while now so I decided to write it. Let me now what you think about it.   
English not my first language so I'm sorry in advance for any mistakes.

After everything that happens to him, Buck felt like nothing could get worse. He almost lost his leg cause of the bomb, had a pulmonary embolism in front of his family and was caught in a tsunami while losing his ray of sunshine Christopher.  
Coming from all of this was hard. His leg suffer again so its means another round of pt, went to see a therapist for the nightmare and the guilt of losing Christopher that day.  
Buck was finally felling that he get his life back on track. Foe now he was on light duty at the station and Lena was his replacement but he has the felling it wouldn't be long before his coming back.  
How wrong he was.  
Dinner with Bobby and Athena was great until Bobby said to him that he wasn't ready and he was a liability to the team. Buck felt like he was losing everything. All this past months working his ass off, fighting depression to be the best version of himself for nothing.  
Anger was all he could felt at the moment. And so he decided to go with the lawsuit.  
No one from the station contacted him and all his insecurities came back. The guilt, the feeling of being useless, to be nothing. Being a firefighter was all he has. His family was 118. And he lost everything again.  
He wanted to drop the lawsuit because even to him it was ridiculous and will nothing good. But he couldn't. Bobby decided for him what was best but... It wasn't.  
In the end, after another confrontation with Bobby and the accusations of all the person that mattered to him, he dropped the lawsuit.  
He was so tired for the past two weeks, he couldn't sleep, couldn't eat do anything really. His thoughts wouldn't let him be. He was so fed up of everything.  
It came to him in the middle of the night. After all, to the only family he had he didn't matter anymore. No one contacted him and the last time he saw them it's was as if they hated Buck. No one understand what he was feeling, what he was living.  
Buck just given up. Since he was that much of a trouble for the persons he loved, he just needed to disappear, let them live without him. To Buck it was the perfect solution.  
He decided to apologies to everyone. Explaining his actions and his feelings, hoping for them to understand.  
He had painkillers left from his leg and decided to take the remaining of them. Buck goes to lie back on his bed, send the message and took the pills.  
Within minutes he was having an overdose and then everything went black.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An another chapter to this story. Thank you all for the amazing feed back. I don't really know all long the story will be but I'm thinking of adding one or to other chapter. I don't have any idea of medical stuff really work so sorry in advance.   
This chapter is written from Eddie pov.   
Hope you like it.

Eddie was tired, ever since the tsunami he saw Buck drifted away but couldn't do anything about it.   
First all this self doubt and Eddie knows they were hint of depression but he was hopeless. Even though Buck his is best friend, he wouldn't be able to help him.   
And then Bobby and the lawsuit happen. With this Eddie really loose Buck. The shabby lawyer forbidden any interactions between them and Buck. And Eddie knows that Buck alone at this moment wasn't a good idea.  
For this past two, they wasn't one moment were Buck wasn't on Eddie 's mind. Before it was already the case. Buck was his best friend and just this incredible human being and just so good at taking care of Christopher. Sometimes along the way he catches feeling for him. It wasn't after nearly losing with the tsunami that Eddie accept them.   
So being near Buck but at the same time so far away was breaking his heart. 

Eddie was mad at Bobby. He could understand why he did that. But for the love of God, he handles it so fucking bad. Just throwing it at dinner without proper explanation wasn't the best plan of action. Especially with the current mental state of Buck. So Buck filling the lawsuit, understandable.   
But Bobby, Eddie loves him as a second father but he was being a dick to Buck.   
Then two days ago, they receive a notice that Buck dropped the lawsuit. Everyone at the station was relieved. They all known that if Buck was doing it, it was because he was hurt and not against them. But man, it still hurts.   
Eddie thought that with it finally dropped Buck would contact them, but nothing happened. However work was so demanding that Eddie, Hen, Chimney and Bobby didn't really find time to contact him.

This morning was crazy, they already went to three emergency and now they just wanted to relax and eat what Bobby decided to cook. The atmosphere without Buck was so much dull. He wasn't here to put joy and fun in the station. Lena was cool but Eddie couldn't wait for her to return to her station and having his partner back.   
They were just beginning to eat when all their phone went off. They look at each other no really knowing what it was.   
Bobby was the first to read the message. They saw him freeze and dropped his fork. Eddie didn't wait before checking his phone. He felt his heart stop at was he was reading.   
It was a message from Buck. An apology but at the same time a goodbye message.   
They didn't need word for all of them to run to the trucks and towards Buck place.   
Eddie couldn't think, he couldn't breath. Everything comes back to losing Buck. He couldn't, it was just impossible.   
Buck was the most important person, after Christopher of course, in Eddie life. He wouldn't be able to live without him, without telling him how he feels. He was hoping that Buck was feeling the same way. He was nearly certain with how they were with each other, joking sometimes bordering of flirting, and how was such a good paternal figure to his son.  
He couldn't really hear anything, but he was certain that Chimney must be on the phone with Maddie.   
They arrive to Buck's place in record time. Thankfully for them, Eddie always carry on him the key of his place with him.   
He never saw Bobby this desperate. He was shouting Evan name he was already walking towards the stairs up to his bedroom.   
They all followed him and all stop once upstairs.   
Buck was laying unconscious on his bed, eyes wide open unresponsive with a mess running outside his mouth.   
Eddie saw himself in slow motion going to Buck side.   
"Evan, Evan talk to me baby... Just respond to my voice mi amor. You can't die ok ! I won't let you die" Eddie was taking at the same time Buck vitals... They weren't good.   
"Buck pulse is really low and he isn't breathing. Hen bring the mask and Chimney begin cpr. Cap call the hospital we're not losing him today, we can't."   
Eddie was giving order while also staying with Buck, just touching his hair to ground himself.   
"Evan baby, I don't know if you can hear me but we won't let you down ok ! We are and everything will be okay, I promise you." 

When he was somewhat stable they rush to the closest hospital hoping for the best. Eddie and Bobby were in the truck while Hen and Chimney were in the ambulance with Buck. Eddie was lost in his thoughts when he heard Bobby sobbing. He looked at him just to saw Bobby with an heartbreaking face. He was mumbling how he failed his son, how he wasn't worthy of him.   
Eddie couldn't help him. He was dealing with the thought of losing the love of his life, mad at himself for not being here for Buck despite everything and so furious at Bobby for putting Buck in the first place in this situation. 

The ride to the hospital was short and medical team was rushing Buck to the emergency. They couldn't accompanying.   
The only thing for now they could do was wait and hoping for the best.


	3. Chapter 3

The whole team was waiting for news of Buck. It's already been several hours and they were really getting anxious.  
Normally overdoses are easy to treat when they're taking in charge quickly and when you aren't Buck...  
Eddie was alternating between pacing in the waiting area or sitting with raking his fingers through his hair. The rest of the team was in the same state.  
All of them fell guilty of having let down one of their own, Buck. Seeing him in this state was a wake-up call.  
To everyone, he was the funny one, always with a smile on his face and joking with all of them.  
The message he sends them shows just how much they didn't know about him. No, what they didn't take time to consider about him.  
Without having to say anything to each other they know that they will be here for him, for better or worse.  
Eddie couldn't wait to be able to talk to Evan, beg for his forgiveness and finally admitting his feelings for the blond. 

Finally, a nurse called for Evan. On a one-man mouvement, they were all next to her waiting for news.  
"Evan Buckley is stable. If all of you were there just a little bit later he wouldn't have been able to make it. I will take you to his room. He will wake up soon and he will need your support. Suicide attempt is really serious. I don't know if you were aware of his depression but he will need his family." 

Eddie was able to breathe again. Those past hours waiting and imagine the worse for Buck took a toll on him. It was the first time he was feeling something like this. Even with Shanon he wasn't this terrified of losing her.  
The word depression told by the nurse reinforced their guilt. How could they have been that blind to missed it ? Surely they were signs he wasn't good. Were they such a horrible family to not pick on it ?

They didn't really dwell on it and were following the nurse to Buck's room. Upon entering, they were greeted by Buck on the hospital bed with several tubes attached to him. It was, unfortunately, a familiar site for them.  
Eddie didn't waste time to sit on the chair next to the bed and take Evan's hand on his own. He couldn't care less that the rest of the team was there, he just needed to reassure himself that he was alive.  
Brushing a kiss on his knuckles, he whisper sweet nothing in Spanish to Evan, hoping he could somewhat here him so he knows he won't be alone. Not this time. 

Bobby, Hen, and Chim let Eddie alone with Buck. They all known how these two were feeling about each other and Hen had a pool on them just like always. Seeing him like that was so heartbreaking. When they all think about these past months, hell ever since he started with them, they could see some clues.  
They all agree to help him when he'll wake up and this time shows him they were here and care so much about him.  
Content in seeing him safe, they decided to let Eddie with Buck and return to their family. They were no way able to work after this. 

Eddie was sitting next to Evan waiting for him to wake up. He was altering between petting his hair, something he wanted to do since the first time he saw him and, running his thumb on his knuckles.  
He was exhausted but wouldn't fall asleep, fearing losing Buck again. However, he loses this battle.  
He couldn't tell how long he slept but he was awakened by something touching his face. When he managed to open his eyes what he could see was Evan caressing his face and looking at him with so much emotions. They were astonishment, guilt, sadness, tiredness but also relief and love. To this site Eddie was frozen and words just escape his mouth.  
" Evan, mi amor estoy tan contenta de ser la que mi alma. Everything will be alright I promise you baby. Him here and I'm not going anywhere. "  
The pet names just slip but Eddie couldn't care less, the only that matter was that Evan was here and alive.  
"Eddie I'm scared babe..."  
"Shh it's alright we will figure it out okay mi corazon"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really sorry for the wait for this chapter. it was kind of a challenge to write. Hope he turned out okay.  
So I think I will one other chapter and this fic will be wrapped.  
Enjoy :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so this is the final chapter of this story. The ending may be a little rush so I'm sorry for that. Hope you like it and thank you for bearing with me on this journey.   
Love you guys 😘

It's been three days since Buck wakes up. Eddie didn't want to leave his side but they manage to get him for Christopher and so he could catch sleep and take a shower.   
He was such a rock for Buck now, the blond was grateful.   
Their confession couldn't be at a worse timing but at last they finally stop dancing around each other. 

However, even though Eddie said he loves Buck, he couldn't forget this past few months. He was wrong to have filled the lawsuit but the treatment the 118 gave him was wrong too. They said they were his family but after the tsunami he was alone. He could comprehend that they have their job and their family to take care of but, Buck would have been happy with simply a text or a phone call... Not nothing. 

Today, he was getting discharge. The team all takes a day off to be with him. He could see the guilt in their eyes but he couldn't be with them like before.   
He was schedule to have an appointment with a psychiatrist along the rest of the team. When he was at the hospital, his future psychiatrist spoke with him to have an idea of what was going with him. He decided the best plan of action would be to have the whole team together to really listen to Buck. 

For now he would go home. Eddie insist that he should stay with him and Christopher for the rest of the week, in order to make sure he was alright and also to talk more about them.   
When they arrived at Eddie's the first thing he saw was Chris, his superman. Upon seing him rushing on his crutches for him he broke down to tears.   
"Bucky, why are you crying ? Daddy said you were sick so he spends time with you. You're okay ?"  
Buck was clutching Chris to his chest and murmuring in his hair. " I'm just so happy to see you superman. Don't worry I will be okay. "  
Eddie couldn't help but tears up a little seeing his boys like that. For the next five minutes they were all hugging on the couch.   
The rest of the day pass on a blur. Buck was struggling to be here. As he gives up being alive, to have his family back and be here was hard. Eddie insist they sleep together.   
They talk a little bit about them. Eddie says that the decision will be entirely Bucks. He was in love with him for so long that he didn't care if he needs to wait more. The most important thing was that Buck was healthy and ready for a relationship. Eddie fell quickly asleep with Buck in his arms but Buck could sleep. His depression was keeping him awake. 

The day of the psychiatric appointment was here. Bobby, Hen, Chim and Eddie was here alongside Buck. The session was hard for everyone. The therapist ask them to only listen to what Buck had to say and for now to let go of what they think of him for the past months. Hearing Buck talking about all of his accidents, his depression and how he felt like his family abandoned him brought them all to tears. For months they though they understand their youngest but how wrong they were.   
A lot of tears and confessions later, they all exit the psychiatrist office. Buck didn't really have time to comprehend what was happening before his team, his family was giving him a big hug.   
Bobby was the one to speak for them.   
" I'm so sorry kid for all what happened. I was so scared to lose you for good after the tsunami that, that I wasn't ready to have you back on the team. Unfortunately, we almost lose you again. I hope you will be able to forgive us and that you will come back to us. Come back to the 118. I love you kid don't forget that. We all love you and we will show it more. I promise. "

They part way and Buck return to Eddie's place. Chris was still at his abuela and stay the night. Once they were inside the house, Eddie press him against the door and was crying in his neck.   
" MI amor, you don't know how much I'm sorry. Since the beginning I said that I have your back but this past few months I wasn't there. I'm not trying to excuse my actions but it was hell. With Shannon, the truck, your embolie, the tsunami and Chris nightmare I wasn't there for you. I didn't even realize we didn't talk for a long time and then you were filling this lawsuit. I couldn't talk to you and I was so angry I didn't know what to do. But I understand know. For now on, I will stay by your side no matter what mi corazon. But we need to work on our communication. Te amo Buck. I want to be with you, to be your boyfriend. Have our little family with Chris. The choice is yours but in the end your it for me. These next few months will be hard, but I'm not letting you go not this time. "  
Buck at the end of Eddie talk was also in tears. He couldn't believe he have this amazing man in his life.   
" I won't lie Eddie, it's hard to be here. I was so immersed in a dark place that I give up on living. And it hurts so fucking bad. I have have all this negatives though in my head that won't let me be. I will take time and so much work on myself, certainly medication and support from you, but I will be alright. Will I have suicidal though ? Yes. Will I act on them probably not. But I want you to be prepared. I have so much issues I never told you or the team. Once I'm ready I will tell you. I want to be with you so freaking bad babe. I love you so much but you hurt me. I forgive you. But I want to take things slow. You're also my endgame Ed. You're my family with Chris, you know how much I love this kid..."   
Buck couldn't finish what he was saying cause Eddie was kissing him. It was the sweetest and most passionate kiss he ever received.   
"Evan mi amor, you will be alright. Yes it will take time but your the bravest and strongest person I know. Will be good I promise" . 

Not everything will be alright in one night, they will be struggles, cries and distrust but in the end everything will work out. Buck has his family back more closer than ever.


End file.
